SOMETHING UPDATE
so, i'm in rochester, in a new life, with new friends, and a new room. there is also no truck in my life right now.
okay, maybe i was a little fixated on my truck, but hey, it's my capitol investment.
when i was leaving home, in retrospect it was really weird. i never thought in the weeks, days, hours leading up to my departure that i was leaving my home, and would not be back for at least four months. it was more along the lines that it was just another outing. it didn't hit me until about a mile later that i was not going back home, and i started to cry softly.
i had hardened myself to all emotion about two or three years back, back when i loved and lost. since then i hadn't allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, staying detached incase they left my life. this worked to an extent. i can't say i'm homesick, and i can't say i morbidly miss anybody (missing someone to the extent that i'd cry myself to sleep). and in many ways, this is a good thing.
in other ways, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
a human that doesn't feel isn't human. i don't feel to any extent. i still worry, i will always worry. i still eat, watch my figure, joke, i always love to joke.
but i will never love like i did before.
they say that your first love will always be with you, and that you'll never love anyone quite as much as you loved your first. how does that feel to know that you've already hit a peak in your life. no redos. from now on when (if) i fall in love, it'll never be as good as the first one (horrible vague references).
this isn't just a hardening against having a significant other, it's a hardening against everyone. everyone could die, and besides being mildly shocked, i'd go about surviving.
however when i cried not a mile away from my home, it was a tiny chink in my armor, and at least it's a start.
my dad is an asshole of a driver. but it is how he is normally, a very nice guy, but you get in the way of him and he'll go around, and if you're in a car, not doing the speed limit, or hanging out in the left hand lane, or whatever, he'll yell or pass you.
also, mountain passes scare me to drive though. and dad telling me that the speed limit was 75 and that by going 65 he didn't want to lose half a day didn't help at all.
a little preface to me and driving. i'm a nice guy at all costs. i notice the little things, label cars with specific personalities. if there's a guy that's going along with us, i'll notice when he passes us, when we pass him, and so on and so on, and then notice with a little regret when he exits the highway. i move out of the way for people, i keep a generous distance away from them if i can't pass them, i don't cut infront of people if i want to be there.
mountain passes are up down up down and turn left right left right every 100 yards or so. i really really didn't like the idea of going a normally suicidal 75 on such roads. 65 for me is fast, and scary, so 75 was more along the lines of "why the hell are we going this fast, i don't care if it is the speed limit we're going to get pulled over"
my dad is also a stickler for speed limits. he will tell you when you're under, he'll tell you when you're over, and then warn you that he doesn't want to get pulled over for a speeding ticket and then lose a couple days because you'd have to stay there so that you could pay the ticket. once he asked me why i don't like using the cruise control. i like having the pressure against my foot because it's a method of control, i'm in control of the truck, it isn't controling itself. i also just like the feel.
enough about that though.
my dad is also one of the guys who will duck out of a face to face conversation to answer his cellphone. i don't know what's behind that, i would've guessed that he'd be the generation that would encourage courtesy, and silence the phone, and talk with the person, but it turned out that it was the other way around. i think there was more to write here, but i don't have anything else.
you already know all about the transmission and the oil problems.
i absolutely fell in love with chicago, it's a wonderful city, it also kicks the crap out of seattle.
my dad's family is nurtured conservative it seems. when we were out at dinner in erie with my aunt karen, uncle brad, my cousin robby, grandpa bob and grandma jeanie (also with my dad) it was kind of strange. at one point my aunt karen was talking about gays for some reason and she kinda lowered her voice and hissed out "alternative lifestyles" like it was something if other people heard her say she would be beaten on the spot. i was able to tolerate all of this until my dad spoke up.
"yeah you know, howard stern you know, people like that should just be taken out and be tied up behind a car and go around the block a few times."
and that was so utterly inhumane, unconstitutional (on many levels), and just plain not nice that i spoke up.
"yeah dad, lynching will solve all our problems."
not a very spiteful remark, but it got the point across.
i've flipflopped myself since i've gotten to rochester. it first started with realizing that if kerry "flipflops" exactly how scary he is. then mr. k reminded me about propaganda.
"Do you remember the actual context of the line he gave that is usually show cased in the GOP ad? He makes specific reference to the fact that, based on the information given to the foreign affairs committee by the CIA, the State Department, and the Defense Department, that he supported the operations and the 'blank check' authorization to give Bush the authority to supercede the War Powers Act. Then, when he saw that after 2 months of searching for WMD and none were found, he voted against the $87 billion supplimental authorization. 'I voted for it, then I voted against it.' Get it?"
it's a little long, but basically the bush campaign wants you to think "he can't make up his mind" but what really happened was he was okay with bush going into iraq to look for WMDs and when they couldn't find any and bush wanted more money kerry said no way jose.
so i was almost scared of kerry. but it just turns out that i'm surrounded by conservatives and easily influenced liberals (at this junction it seems) there are also non-vocal liberals and naive liberals.
where is dieter with the women? i am working on making friends with them, but it is not a priority, though i am friends with quite a few, and a girl on my floor has affections.
i do not want those affections, i am a turtle, feelings roll off me like rain on my shell.
feeling would be nice, just honest feeling for someone, i don't care if it's a seething hatred, but right now it is not something i'm missing.
so, i'm in rochester, in a new life, with new friends, and a new room. there is also no truck in my life right now.
okay, maybe i was a little fixated on my truck, but hey, it's my capitol investment.
when i was leaving home, in retrospect it was really weird. i never thought in the weeks, days, hours leading up to my departure that i was leaving my home, and would not be back for at least four months. it was more along the lines that it was just another outing. it didn't hit me until about a mile later that i was not going back home, and i started to cry softly.
i had hardened myself to all emotion about two or three years back, back when i loved and lost. since then i hadn't allowed myself to feel anything for anyone, staying detached incase they left my life. this worked to an extent. i can't say i'm homesick, and i can't say i morbidly miss anybody (missing someone to the extent that i'd cry myself to sleep). and in many ways, this is a good thing.
in other ways, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
a human that doesn't feel isn't human. i don't feel to any extent. i still worry, i will always worry. i still eat, watch my figure, joke, i always love to joke.
but i will never love like i did before.
they say that your first love will always be with you, and that you'll never love anyone quite as much as you loved your first. how does that feel to know that you've already hit a peak in your life. no redos. from now on when (if) i fall in love, it'll never be as good as the first one (horrible vague references).
this isn't just a hardening against having a significant other, it's a hardening against everyone. everyone could die, and besides being mildly shocked, i'd go about surviving.
however when i cried not a mile away from my home, it was a tiny chink in my armor, and at least it's a start.
my dad is an asshole of a driver. but it is how he is normally, a very nice guy, but you get in the way of him and he'll go around, and if you're in a car, not doing the speed limit, or hanging out in the left hand lane, or whatever, he'll yell or pass you.
also, mountain passes scare me to drive though. and dad telling me that the speed limit was 75 and that by going 65 he didn't want to lose half a day didn't help at all.
a little preface to me and driving. i'm a nice guy at all costs. i notice the little things, label cars with specific personalities. if there's a guy that's going along with us, i'll notice when he passes us, when we pass him, and so on and so on, and then notice with a little regret when he exits the highway. i move out of the way for people, i keep a generous distance away from them if i can't pass them, i don't cut infront of people if i want to be there.
mountain passes are up down up down and turn left right left right every 100 yards or so. i really really didn't like the idea of going a normally suicidal 75 on such roads. 65 for me is fast, and scary, so 75 was more along the lines of "why the hell are we going this fast, i don't care if it is the speed limit we're going to get pulled over"
my dad is also a stickler for speed limits. he will tell you when you're under, he'll tell you when you're over, and then warn you that he doesn't want to get pulled over for a speeding ticket and then lose a couple days because you'd have to stay there so that you could pay the ticket. once he asked me why i don't like using the cruise control. i like having the pressure against my foot because it's a method of control, i'm in control of the truck, it isn't controling itself. i also just like the feel.
enough about that though.
my dad is also one of the guys who will duck out of a face to face conversation to answer his cellphone. i don't know what's behind that, i would've guessed that he'd be the generation that would encourage courtesy, and silence the phone, and talk with the person, but it turned out that it was the other way around. i think there was more to write here, but i don't have anything else.
you already know all about the transmission and the oil problems.
i absolutely fell in love with chicago, it's a wonderful city, it also kicks the crap out of seattle.
my dad's family is nurtured conservative it seems. when we were out at dinner in erie with my aunt karen, uncle brad, my cousin robby, grandpa bob and grandma jeanie (also with my dad) it was kind of strange. at one point my aunt karen was talking about gays for some reason and she kinda lowered her voice and hissed out "alternative lifestyles" like it was something if other people heard her say she would be beaten on the spot. i was able to tolerate all of this until my dad spoke up.
"yeah you know, howard stern you know, people like that should just be taken out and be tied up behind a car and go around the block a few times."
and that was so utterly inhumane, unconstitutional (on many levels), and just plain not nice that i spoke up.
"yeah dad, lynching will solve all our problems."
not a very spiteful remark, but it got the point across.
i've flipflopped myself since i've gotten to rochester. it first started with realizing that if kerry "flipflops" exactly how scary he is. then mr. k reminded me about propaganda.
"Do you remember the actual context of the line he gave that is usually show cased in the GOP ad? He makes specific reference to the fact that, based on the information given to the foreign affairs committee by the CIA, the State Department, and the Defense Department, that he supported the operations and the 'blank check' authorization to give Bush the authority to supercede the War Powers Act. Then, when he saw that after 2 months of searching for WMD and none were found, he voted against the $87 billion supplimental authorization. 'I voted for it, then I voted against it.' Get it?"
it's a little long, but basically the bush campaign wants you to think "he can't make up his mind" but what really happened was he was okay with bush going into iraq to look for WMDs and when they couldn't find any and bush wanted more money kerry said no way jose.
so i was almost scared of kerry. but it just turns out that i'm surrounded by conservatives and easily influenced liberals (at this junction it seems) there are also non-vocal liberals and naive liberals.
where is dieter with the women? i am working on making friends with them, but it is not a priority, though i am friends with quite a few, and a girl on my floor has affections.
i do not want those affections, i am a turtle, feelings roll off me like rain on my shell.
feeling would be nice, just honest feeling for someone, i don't care if it's a seething hatred, but right now it is not something i'm missing.
